How To: Get Epic Head

Whatever Super Rugby team you support, and whether you drink Speights, Tui, DB or craft beer – there’s one thing that unites all Kiwi blokes. All blokes, everywhere, in fact. If you’ve got a knob and a heartbeat, you’re probably a big fan of a good old-fashioned blowie. You know… a knob-job. A hummer. An epic, balls to the wall tug ‘n chug. Whatever you call it, a blowjob is definitely considered one of the finer things in life. Being the good bastards we are, we’ve outlined how you can encourage the Mrs to give you more of ‘em… and got a few of knob-gobbling gal pals to compile some next-level tips that you can tear out and stick to your fridge, if you’re so inclined.

If you want your girlfriend/ friend with benefits/ wife/ side chick/ Tinder date to go down town and slurp-the-salami, you gotta be cool, bro. Women do NOT dig a head push south – no matter how subtle you think you’re being. Instead…

CONSIDER PRESENTATION

You may think your schlong is God’s gift to women, but if you want her to go down on you more often, make the package as appealing as possible. Don’t rock home from a session at the gym and waggle it in her face, hoping for the best. Take a shower. Do a little manscaping. Put on a clean pair of boxers, FFS.

ASK (NICELY)

Most of us aren’t exactly shy when it comes to asking for head. But how you ask is going to greatly impact the outcome. “Giz a gobby” probably isn’t gonna cut it. Similarly, attempting to guilt her into giving head by whining something along the lines of “It’s been aaaages since you gave me a blow job” is also not likely to yield the best result. Be a goddam gentleman about it and ask nicely. You’d be surprised how far a cheeky smile, a compliment and use of the word ‘please’ will get you.

GIVE TO RECEIVE

Most people like to reciprocate, so if you’re hanging out for a hoover manoeuvre, be proactive and go down on her first (see Issue One for tips if you missed it). Show her a good time. Chances are she’ll be eager to return the favour.

Hey girl….

… Your man loves it when you go down on him. In fact, seeing you Slurpin’ the Gherkin is one of his all-time favourite things. He fantasises about it in the shower, and replays the last BJ you gave him over and over when he’s driving to work (probably). If he’s left this out for you to find, he’s a greedy little bastard and wants even more of a good thing. While your skills are obviously top notch, there’s always room to build upon near- perfection.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind the next time you want to blow his mind.

A+ ENTHUSIASM
Like most things in life, enthusiasm for the task at hand goes a looong way. If you’re into it, he’ll be into it.

USE YOUR HAND
This is BJ 101, but it’s an important one to keep in mind. Not only does using your hand in partnership with
your mouth feel amazing – it’s also a sneaky way to give your gob the occasional rest so you can avoid the dreaded jaw lock and last the distance. While many women tend to move their mouths and hands up and down their man’s Jolly Rodger at the same time, moving in opposing directions (so they meet in the middle of his shaft) is the best way to bring your A game.

SHEATH ‘YO TEETH
Penises are sensitive buggers, and blow jobs put you in control – and him in a position of vulnerability (which he digs). The act is kind of like a trust fall for his junk, so it’s important to remember that – when it comes to teeth – less is definitely more. You’re not chewing on an old sausage.

IT’S CALLED A HUMMER
Ladies, there’s a reason it’s called a hummer. If you want to level up your BJ, try humming a little while you’ve got his cock in your mouth. The vibrations will send tingles down his shaft and intensify his pleasure. Experts suggest lower-pitched hums create slower vibrations, while higher- pitched hums result in faster ones.

DON’T FORGET HIS BALLS
(AND THE GANG)

While his dick may be the main event, don’t forget his other erogenous zones – including his balls. Caress them with your hands and fingers, lick them, suck them… basically just show them some love! If he’s into in, use your tongue to trace his perineum, which is the little line between this scrotum and butthole. Some guys also love a cheeky tickle, or a slippery digit, in the ass while receiving head, but it’s not for everyone. If in doubt, ask!

MOANING MYRTLE
For a lot of fellas, pleasure is tied to what they see and hear. Let out a few moans (as if his cock is made of something truly delicious) and make a bit of eye contact. Moaning (like humming, see above) will make your
vocal cords vibrate and send him over the edge.

GET JUICY
Drink orange juice (or anything a little acidic) before going down on him. The low pH levels in juice make most people salivate like crazy. And when it comes to any kind of oral, the wetter the better.

DON’T OVERTHINK IT
Seriously. It’s a blow job – so while it might seem like a ticking time bomb, it’s actually not all that complicated. He’s just happy to have your lips anywhere near his wang, so relax and have fun with it!

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