How To: Eat Pussy Like A Champ

Dude. If you’re gonna eat a pussy, you gotta do it right. While most blokes reckon
any blowjob’s a good one, members of the fairer sex are usually a little more
discerning. One wrong move can ruin the mood. Put a screaming halt to her Big O.
And ensure you’re shit outta luck the next time you send her a “u up?” on Snapchat.

Had no complaints? You can always improve. Here are 8 simple steps to bring your a-game the next time you find yourself nose-deep in muff.

WARM THE ENGINE
First things first, cobber. You’re not racing to eat a 70c soft serve on a hot summer’s day, so take your bloody time. Start slow. Tease your lady and get her going. Pay attention to the surrounding territory before you dive right in to the promised land. If you warm the engine first, you’ll get her purring for an easy ride to O-town.

ALL THE BITS
Now that we all know how important it is, most blokes head straight for the Tacoberry and focus all their attention on that. Big mistake, mate! Yes, the clit is crucial – but it’s not the only girl at the dance. If you really want to give your lady a good time, you’ve gotta spread your attention around all the bits: clit, lips and the tunnel of love.

TECHNIQUE MATTERS
If your strategy is to go hammer and tongs and hope for the best, this one’s for you. Technique matters – and to make this all the more complicated, every Sheila is different and might like a different approach to the lasses who have come become. I don’t know if the phrase ‘different stokes for different folks’ originates from this, but it definitely applies. The kiss, lick and suck are your simplest 3 go-to moves, so start with those and see what she seems to like. Don’t go making things too complicated. Forget trying to write the alphabet with your tongue because that shit doesn’t work.

FINGERS & THUMBS
You might say your clumsy mate is all fingers and thumbs – but in this instance, he’s got you beat. Using your hand isn’t cheating, and will give your tongue a welcome rest when the going is slow. A well placed – and rhythmed – digit, combined with the right flick of the tongue, almost guarantees results. Easy does it, though. You might’ve called it a
finger bang in high school, but this is definitely not a case of fastest finger wins the race.

EVERYTHING BUTT
If you’re inclined to head further south, test the waters first. Don’t go charging in like a bull in a bloody China shop. Test the taint. The last thing you want is a swift knee to the face if you scare the shit out of her. Consent is hot (seriously, who doesn’t love a YES, YES, YES?) so see if she’s up for it and proceed with caution.

BE A BLOODY GOOD GENT
You might be having a grand old time, but don’t forget your table manners when you’re eating out. Ladies might love a beast between the sheets, but that doesn’t mean you can throw etiquette out the window. Be discreet if you happen upon a stray hair. Be mindful of your whiskers, because pash rash sucks – but stubble burn on a beaver’s gotta be rough. And finally – suck, but never slurp. Unless she specifically asks you too, I guess. None of my business.

PAY ATTENTION

Most important of all, mate. If you want to give your gal a screamer and be invited back for round 2, you’ve gotta pay attention to her body language. If you’re bedding a babe who loves to tell you exactly what she wants, give her one for me! But if she’s not the vocal type, you’ll need to pick up on her cues. If she picks up her phone, or looks like she’s making a mental list of all the shit she has to do tomorrow, go back to Step 1 and try again. If she starts grinding your
face, brace yourself because you’re probably on the right track.

PLAY IT COOL

Nah, I don’t mean waiting three to five days to text her again after you knock her socks off. I mean don’t get impatient. Some ladies cum quicker than Superman with a speeding bullet vibe up his arse. Others take a little while to get there – and getting fast and furious in her lady garden isn’t helping anyone. It’s not gonna make it happen any quicker… in fact, it might put her off altogether, meaning Steps 1 – 7 will have been for fuck all. Slow down, bruh. Take your time. If you play your cards right the moment you’ve been waiting for is practically inevitable.

Zeen is a next generation WordPress theme. It’s powerful, beautifully designed and comes with everything you need to engage your visitors and increase conversions.