Houston, We Have A Problem

You can’t make this sh*t up! The most outrageously funny real reader stories, lived by our loyal Dogbox community and published here for your enjoyment.

MOVING GONE WRONG

I’d been dating this girl for about a month, and she was moving flats so I said I’d give her a hand. We were pretty busy and ended up skipping lunch to get it done. We finally finished the move and jumped in the shower together to freshen up. Things were heating up and one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. Next thing I know, I’m sitting on the floor of the shower and she’s looking super concerned. I’d passed out during sex! I was mortified. Learnt my lesson though... no hot showers after a day without food! Brad, Nelson

KNOCK KNOCK

My wife’s brother lives alone so he moved in with us when we went into lockdown. I’m an essential worker and had a big day so went for a nap when I got home. The Mrs had been cooking dinner and sent her brother upstairs to yell out that dinner was ready. Only problem was, he didn’t yell out, he bowled straight into the room without knocking and saw me getting off watching porn. Busted. We didn’t make eye contact for a week! Jase, Hamilton

TO TRIM OR NOT TO TRIM

I’d been on a couple of dates with this girl, and based on our messages, it sounded like our third date was going to be the one where we sealed the deal. In preparation, I decided to do a bit of manscaping. I got the top done with no drama, then moved on to the balls. I must have had a skin tag down there and I managed to nick it with the trimmer and it started bleeding profusely. I don’t do well with blood and passed out. My flatmate had heard the thud of me hitting the floor, knocked on the door, got no answer, so he came in and woke me up. We’ve never spoken of it since. The good news is, I’m now engaged to the same girl, so I guess the cut was worth it! Sam, Wanaka

UNINVITED AUDIENCE

My wife and I had been out on a date night. We got home, paid the babysitter then went to bed and continued our evening. We were finishing up and must have made a little too much noise because our 4-year-old came in to say hello but got a view that was much more than she bargained for. We still can’t work out who is more scared – us or her! Troy, Napier

NEXT PLEASE

Met this lass in town and headed back to her place to seal the deal. I went to hers every Saturday night for about a month, then I met someone else and told the original bird we were done. Anyway, a week later, I get up on a Sunday morning, and there she is in my bloody kitchen. Turns out she’d met my flatmate the night before and sealed the deal with him instead. Andy, Auckland

DEEP DIVING

Had been fooling around with this bird for a couple of weeks. Great thing was, she loved giving gobbies. One time she went a bit far with the deep-throating and she vomited all over my junk. She saw herself out and I never heard from her again. Harry, Napier

SAIL AWAY

Few years back I had a bender of a week on the Sail Croatia cruises. We’d sail during the day, then dock at night to drink and hit the bars with the other boats. One night I started chatting up this bird from another boat. We went back to her cabin and had a good time. Next thing I know, I wake up and realise we’re moving. I’d fallen asleep and we’d set sail again in the morning – meanwhile, all my belongings were back on my boat! Luckily we were headed to the same town the following night so I could get back to my boat, but it did mean going 48 hours in the same pair of jocks. Ben, Palmerston North

RACE READY

I hit it off with this girl at the Addington Races so we headed back to my place. Things were getting heated and I’d just got my hand up her dress when she bolted to the bathroom. I thought nothing of it and she came back and we got on with it. The next day my flatmate found a pair of spanx hidden down behind the toilet. Turns out she’d nipped off to the bathroom, removed the spanx then come back to bed – only problem was that she forgot to grab them afterwards! Mitch, Christchurch

BIT MOIST

I can’t say no to a bender with the lads – only downside is that when I have a few too many, I tend to lose control of the ol’ bladder. One night we hit the town, I met this girl, bought her back to mine, did the deed, then we both fell asleep. In the morning, we woke up and the bed was wet... I managed to convince her that it wasn’t me and must have been her. She was mortified and left. Not proud of it, but did the job. Jack, Wellington

SORRY ‘BOUT IT

Not long after I turned 18 I met a girl in a bar and went home with her. She lived at home but her parents were away, thank Christ. I was doing her doggie style and out of nowhere projectile vommed all over her back, the pillows, the wall etc. I’d been doing Zambucca shots with the boys earlier, so the room was filled with this overwhelming, sickly-sweet smell of vomit and liquorice. She ran into the bathroom, and I legged out outta there. I still wonder if she managed to clean the vile black smears off the walls before her parents got back.

HI?

A few years ago I was going down on a girl and we made eye contact and she waved for some reason. I don’t know why but it was really unsettling.

BUTT-ER FINGERS

I was trying to convince my girlfriend at the time to try anal. She finally agrees but says we need to get her loosened up a bit first with some lube and this little bullet vibe she’d sometimes use on her clit during sex. I’m all for it, so I lube that bullet up good and start to tease her, and I can tell she’s getting into so I push the tip in and start eating her out at the same time. By this stage we’re both really getting into it so I start pushing that little bullet in and out, in and out, and then she starts to cum and suddenly the bullet is fucking GONE. It shot right up her butthole. And I’m watching her come and staring at her starfish in shock and thinking, what do I do? And then she finishes and realises the bullet is aaaall the way inside her and FREAKS OUT. Sits on the toilet for like an hour in tears trying to push it out, but that thing is LOST. She had to have surgery to remove it. Moral of the story, if I’m ever doing butt stuff with my current girlfriend I only ever use a toy designed for that purpose, with a flared base.

UH… LIKE THIS?

I’m a pretty reserved kind of guy, and couple of years ago I started seeing this shy girl because some mutual friends thought we’d hit it off. After a couple of dates I discovered she was a freak in the sheets, which was exciting but a bit out of left-field. This one time we got pretty drunk and we started having sex and she moans “mmmm… hurt me”. Instead of spanking her or whatever I just pinched her on the arm really hard.

VERY NICE

The year was 2006, and I was dating this really smart girl – like, doing a PhD in science shit smart. We were going at it and she was on top, and she was riding me and whispering all this dirty talk in my ear. I was getting really close and she says “do you like that?” and I say “I liiiiike” in a Borat voice and promptly blow my load. She stopped replying to my texts after that.

TOGA CHAMP

I was on a Contiki through Europe a few years ago, and naturally we had a toga party when we hit Greece. We all raided the hostel we were staying in for extra sheets for the party, and around 2am I sneak off with one of the girls from the tour to her room and we get it on. This girl either didn’t realise or didn’t care she’d gotten her period mid-sex – but I sure knew when the deed was done and saw the sheets and mattress were a little worse for wear. No biggie… except there were NO clean sheets we could put on the bed because everyone was wearing them. We ended up flipping the mattress upside down and throwing the sheets under the bed. Not my finest moment, but when in Greece, trying to console a tipsy and embarrassed girl, you gotta do what you gotta do!

FART-TASTIC

“My girlfriend was giving me a blow job and I put it a little too far in. Instead of gagging she let out a fart. I think I made it worse by slapping her ass after to try to make it less awkward for her..” - Kylan George, Blenheim

NEVER SCREW THE CREW

“There was this co-worker of mine that I always flirted with and we had this really good back and forth thing going and it was pretty sexual. I kept saying how great in bed I was and all that sort of stuff to get her to want me—and normally I am—and then she finally wanted to have sex with me, and I blew it. I was so nervous and excited and I couldn’t get it up even for a second. It was humiliating, and I didn’t get a second chance.” - Caleb Russel, Haast

EARLY FINISH

“Foreplay got me good and I ended up coming before we even had sex. I took her to the bedroom and she got all excited and ready and right when I entered her I finished.” - Tama P., Whakatane

BALLS-EYE

““One night I was sitting on the edge of my bed, with my girlfriend straddling me. It was that great kind of loud, dirty talking sex, and I started to spank her as she rode me. She loved it and kept asking for more, so I spanked harder as we got more and more into it. We got a lot of energy going, and I was smacking her ass pretty damn hard… Until I spanked out of sync with her movement. My hand swung down as her ass moved up, and I ended up missing her entirely and smacking myself in the balls with full force.” - Isiah Maverick, Akaroa

AWKWARD FLIGHT

“I travel a lot for work; sometimes daily. I once had a wet dream on an airplane... I was sitting in the middle seat...” - James S., Christchurch

SHARING IS CARING

“About 8-10 years ago I drove to the store while drinking a can of Coke. I made my purchase while talking to the salesperson at the counter and continuing to sip from my can. I thought the guy acted a little strange, but didn’t think anything of it... Until I got back to my car and went to put my soda in the drink holder, only to find one already there. I slowly realized that I had left my soda in the car, went into the store, picked up an employee’s Coke from the counter, started drinking it right in front of them, and then I just left with it. The guy must have thought I was nuts. I quickly started up my car and sped away. Haven’t been back there since.” - John Caddington, Temuka

YOU NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST

“I lost my virginity to a guy who wasn’t circumcised. Not a big deal, but he was a virgin too. A couple minutes in, he thrusted a little hard, and it forced his foreskin back, ripping it from the base of the head back. It started bleeding profusely. He ended up having to go to the hospital and getting five or six stitches in his dick, which resulted in an inch-long scar. They say you never forget your first time...and he sure as fuck never will.” - Anna Bemoldgy, Taupo

IN OVER YOUR HEAD

“My wife wanted to recreate a video she saw online, where a guy picks this girl up above his head, sits her on his face, and eats her out. I’m a weight lifter and she’s tiny, so it wasn’t really too hard for me. We get down to it, I get her into position and brace her against the wall because no way can I hold her for the entire time. As she gets close to coming, I lift her up off the wall, take a step back, and well...14 years of college between the two of us and we couldn’t figure out that it was a bad idea to try that in a room with a ceiling fan. She was fine, it caught her on the shoulder and she fell right onto the couch, but we were both laughing too hard to continue any time soon.” - Kye Lester, Rotorua

NOTHING TO SEE HERE

“I was 15 or 16 and didn’t have my car yet. My friends called me to hang out at one of their houses, and I thought I’d jog over there. I went commando and wore loose sweatpants and a hoodie. I got there and there was two smokin hot girls from our school. I played it off thinkin cool, were gonna have fun UNTIL our douchebag friend showed up. I got there not 5 minutes later and when I was stretching standing up, he came from behind me and pants’d me. I ran in the cold, and my already limp schwang was even more limp from jogging. So there it barely was, for them to see. Worst rumor ever.”- Rogan Oneill, Christchurch

HANDY MAN

A few years back, a mate and I were helping his girlfriend move flats. We’d just started strapping her mattress to the top of the ute, you know how it is at uni, few rounds of rope through the open window and she’ll be right. Anyway, we’re getting started when my mates Mrs’ pipes up “don’t you wanna…” we interrupted her and told her we had it sorted. Turns out we should have listened to her because we stupidly tied it all down, then went to get in the ute, only to realise that we couldn’t open the doors because they were tied shut with the mattress on top. We both felt pretty stupid and still can’t live it down. Nick, Rangiora

MORNING COFFEE

After a rather large night, I was having a pretty slow morning. I’d got up, showered and chucked my jocks on when I decided to make a coffee. I headed to the couch to sit in the sun for a bit and make myself feel a bit more alive. Just as my butt hit the seat, my dog gave an almighty bark which gave me the fright of my life, and caused me to spill the hot coffee all over my lap – straight onto my crotch and all down my bare legs. I spent the next hour in the shower trying to cool the area down. Needless to say, I learnt my lesson and now always get dressed before having anything hot! My dog on the other hand, has not learnt his lesson and still barks whenever the neighbours cat walks past. Zac, Timaru

MY SHOUT

I’d just got through pretty good second date with this lass and we were ready to settle the bill. We went back and forth a bit, each insisting we would cover the cost. I won and handed over my card to the waiter, only to have him return a few minutes later and announce that my card had declined, so she had to pay after all. She wasn’t phased in the slightest, but I was mortified and hoped like hell I hadn’t blown my chances. She thought the whole thing was hilarious – fast forward 4 years and we’re getting married in spring! Tom, Nelson

MEET THE PARENTS

After a few months of dating, it was time to introduce each other to our parents. She met my family and it was great. When it came time to meet her parents I was VERY nervous - she’d mentioned they were fairly conservative so I was a bit weary as to how it would go. Turns out, I was right to be nervous. Her Dad had such backwards morals and was an absolute prick along with it – he spent most of the night grilling me about every single aspect of my life. By the end of the dinner, I couldn’t wait to get out of there – we said our goodbyes at the door, but they came out to wave us off, I was in such a hurry to get out of there I accidentally put my car in drive instead of reverse and went straight into their fence. I’d never wanted the ground to swallow me up more! Matt, Kaikoura

A RASH MOVE

I was recently diagnosed with shingles which is essentially a painful rash. I didn’t think it was a big deal until the doctor told me the prescribed medication which is more commonly used to treat herpes. When I went to fill the prescription, the pharmacist was a girl I’d dated in high school. I looked around the store for a bit, hoping a different pharmacist would come to the counter but no such lucky. I eventually handed over the prescription, she didn’t say anything but held back a smirk whilst reading the script. No doubt she (and all her friends) now think I have herpes. Great. Rhys, Auckland

NO BIG DEAL

I was dating a new girl who was a great kisser and had taken me on a really nice second date but ultimately was not my type. So I told her I didn’t think we should see each other again. She responded, “No worries, I actually have a boyfriend.” Alex, Palmerston North

SHE GOT IT FROM HER MAMA

When my girlf riend and I were in our last year of high school we were hanging out at her place. We’d planned on watching some Netflix, but she’d left her laptop at school and her siblings were using the tv. We grabbed her Mum’s laptop and opened it up only to be greeted with nude pictures of her Mum! We were both horrified and put the laptop back where we found it. Couldn’t help but notice that she looked bloody good though. If my girlfriend ages like her mother I’ll be doing well for myself! Leo, Dunedin

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON

I’m an only child, and as a teen I used to love getting home from school and chucking some porn on the big screen for a cheeky wank before my parents came home from work. One afternoon I didn’t hear the garage and Dad walked into the room, he was so casual about it and simply suggested another genre for me to try - needless to say I didn’t carry on that day, although I did take his recommendation onboard the next day and it wasn’t bad! It’s been 10 years since that day and we still haven’t talked about it. Ollie, Christchurch

FLATMATE FAUX-PA

I was hooking up with this girl who I wasn’t super into, but it was working for the time being. Then one night this new girl was flirting with me who I was actually interested in. We went back to her place and on the way she mentioned that her flatmate was probably home. Turns out the flatmate was the girl I was originally hooking up with! Yikes. Phil, Wellington

SHOCK HORROR

My wife and I recently got married – our venue was a huge place with on-site accommodation where everyone was getting ready. Me and the lads were in a different wing, but I had to nip over and grab a cake knife (who knew that was a thing?!). I was told where it was so headed straight there and bowled on in. I then got the fright of my life to see my future mother in law completely starkers. I screamed, she screamed and jumped behind the couch then quickly spluttered that the girls had used her room for hair and make up touch ups so she was getting changed in that room. I backed out of the room pretty quick and completely forgot all about the bloody cake knife! Was an awkward convo with the new wife later on explaining why we didn’t have a cake knife. Oops. Harry, Wanaka

FLYING LOW

I met up for drinks with a girl I’d met on Tinder. The night was okay, but she seemed a bit distracted. It wasn’t till I got home and my flatmate cracked up that I clicked as to what the issue was. My fly was down and my daggy washing day underwear was on full display bulging out the zip. Surprise, surprise, I didn’t hear from her again. Jack, Auckland

GOOD VIBRATIONS

The Mrs and I had been playing around with one of her bullet vibrators during sex. In the process I discovered that it actually felt pretty good around the backdoor. I told her and we decided to try it out properly. We worked up from going around the rim to inserting it a little, all was going great. It was feeling great, so great that my hips bucked and as they the vibration ramped up a notch and my butt essentially sucked up the entire bullet. Needless to say the mood was well and truly killed and panic set in as we tried to get it out. About half an hour and a tube of lube later we thankfully got it out. Needless to say we learnt our lesson and bought specific toys with a flared base! Anonymous, Auckland

BACH BALLS UP

The family and I headed to the bach for the weekend to celebrate my Dad’s 60th. It was scorcher of a day so we spent all afternoon at the beach. I ended up getting pretty burnt so I had a cold shower when we got home. I grabbed some of my sister’s moisturiser to try and avoid peeling. It was super soothing so I lathered up again before going to bed. The next morning I headed out to the kitchen to grab a coffee only to be greeted with raucous laughter. Turns out I’d grabbed her tanning cream instead of moisturiser, so not only was I burnt, I was also an awful shade of orange. Daniel, Tauranga

BLOODY AWKWARD

I’d hit it off with this lass on a night out and we spent the whole night flirting. As the night went on, she invited me back to her place. I went down on her and she seemed to be enjoying it as she felt pretty wet. A split second after thinking that, I suddenly realised I had A bleeding nose. And a bad one at that. I’d got blood all over her, and it was just gushing from my nose. I eventually got my nose under control but by then the mood was well and truly killed. We didn’t exchange details but I did see her again about a month later – we exchanged an awkward nod in acknowledgement but didn’t chat. Jimmy, Warkworth

MASSIVE MIX-UP

After a month or so of dating this girl, we decided to go away for the weekend. We’d had a great day exploring the area, had a dinner date together, then headed back to the hotel. She was giving me a blowjob and my god it was good. I was a little vocal and moaned her name. She moved quick, glared at me and demanded “what did you just say”. Turns out I’d said my exes name! Talk about an awkward drive back home. Will, Ashburton

TINKLE TIME

After last year’s lockdown, my work moved to a full time working from home sitch. We have weekly meetings but, luckily, they’re mostly just audio calls. This one meeting, I’d done my thing and was just waiting for it to be over. I needed to use the bathroom so figured I’d just hit mute and take my phone in with me. Only problem was, instead of hitting mute, I accidentally turned video on. Meaning the full team heard me taking a slash. Thankfully they didn’t see anything because my phone was on the vanity, but still! My work mates still laugh about and I still go bright red whenever they bring it up! Zac, Wellington

UBER ANTICS

A mate was getting married and we had one hell of send ofF for him for his stag do. I’d hit it off with a girl in town and we were heading home together. We were in the uber and she started whispering in my ear what she wanted to do to me when we got home. She could tell I was enjoying the chat and ended up unzipping my pants and proceeded to get me off then and there. It wasn’t till we got out that I realised my wallet had come out of my pocket. I managed to get it back the next day but when I went to collect it, I could tell the driver 100% knew what had gone down in his back seat. Ben, Dunedin

IT'S HOT UNTIL IT'S NOT

My ex-girlfriend was a pretty adventurous sort – in and out of the sack. She’d try anything once, whether it was sky diving or some weird new food or a crazy position, and she was always surprising me. Sometimes it was great, but it did get us into some not so ideal situations. Once time she snuck into the fitting rooms while I was trying on jeans and went down on me (the woman who worked there told us off when we snuck out) and another time she picks me up and takes me ziplining even though I’m scared shitless of heights. This one night we go out for tea, she picks the place, and its Cajun food which was pretty good. We drink a bucket of beers to dull the spice and then we go back to her place. A couple of hours later we go to bed and the food’s not sitting so great, but she’s bringing her A-game so I man up and ignore it. She climbs on top and we start 69ing and she’s tickling my balls and then – without a word of warning – she slides down my body, sits on my stomach and slips a digit in my arse while she’s sucking me off. I get a bit of a shock but it feels good at first... and then I get this sensation accompanied by a giant wave of panic. I start saying something like “oh no” and tense up, which she thinks means I’m about to blow. Which I did... just not in the way she’d anticipated. I’m not sure if it was the spicy food, too many beers, the pressure of her sitting on me or the combination of all three, but her hand (and her sheets) were covered in a torrent of hot liquid shit the likes of which no-one should ever see. Neither of us reacted well to the situation and things fizzled out within a couple of weeks. I heard she moved to Japan. I met a nice girl who’s a little less adventurous... but has never gotten me kicked out of Hallensteins or made me shit myself.

ANY TIPS, BRUH?

I’d been training with a PT for about 6 months or so. We got on pretty well and would yarn about what we were up to. I’d just started sleeping with this girl and was telling my PT a few stories about what we’d been up to in the bedroom. He asked a few questions then he started acting a bit weird towards me. Turns out I was sleeping with his ex! It didn’t last with the girl and the PT and I can laugh about it now, but it was a bit weird for a while there! Sam, Hamilton

ENVIRO NUT

I met this chick on campus at uni. She was studying environmental science and was really passionate about sustainability and doing everything she could to reduce her footprint. Anyway, we’d met up a few times then one night went to see a movie then were heading back to hers. She said she needed to stop at the supermarket so we detoured there on the way home. I was bit confused when she said to park around the back of the store, not at the main entrance. Next minute, she’s slid between a gap in the fence and was opening up the bins out the back of the store and loading up her bag. Turns out she’d worked there during high school and knew how much food they threw out at the end of the day – all of it was packaged of course, but most of it was being binned because it was out of date. I dropped her off home and made an excuse about an early start. I mean, come on. I’m all for doing what we can here and there but this was a bit far for me. Rob, Wellington

SHARING IS CARING

Met this girl on a night out and had been dating her for a few months when I decided to take her home to meet the parents. I’d been giving her the low down on what they were like on the ride over, what they did for work etc. She asked a few more questions then went a little quiet as we got closer. I thought nothing of it and put it down to nerves. We park out front, then head inside. Mum had come to the door so we had a yarn in the hall then headed through to the lounge. Dad got up from the couch and stopped in his tracks – meanwhile I heard a gasp from beside me. Turns out the Mrs had been an escort a few years back and my Dad had been one of her regular clients. Needless to say, Mum and I both ended the night single. Will, Auckland

CAPTAIN RED BEARD

I was the tour manager for a band in Australia. One night we were at a bigger regional town and the guitarist picked up a girl and took her back to our hotel. I did the rounds knocking on everyone's doors the next morning to get them on the bus to go to the next town. He opens his door and from his nose down he’s covered in blood. He didn't know. Turns out he was nose deep downstairs and she didn't tell him she had her period. He was too drunk to realise or care. The funniest thing was the girl has obviously woken up before him, realised what had happened and left because she was well gone when I woke him up. I took a peek into the room and it looked like he'd murdered someone in his bed. Those poor housekeepers.

WELL THAT SULLY-ED THE MOMENT

One time my girlfriend was getting ready to go down on me. She was kissing my thighs and stroking me and doing that sexy thing where the girl looks up at you from under her lashes. Then all of a sudden she sits upright, taps the tip of my dick like a microphone and says in a weird voice, “is this thing on?” I must have had this WTF look on my face because she starts to explain the reference, “you know, like Mike Wazowski in Monsters Inc” at which point I went completely flaccid.

RUBBER-ROVER

Not me, but a mate of mine back in high school. He’d just started having sex with his first girlfriend, and they’re at her parent’s house who are pretty cool with it, but it’s definitely a don’t-ask-don’t-tell situation. This one time he’d been going down on her for a while beforehand and was so excited he blew almost as soon as they started boning. Anyway, my mate doesn’t want his girlfriend to think he’s a shit lay, so he tries to be a hero and just limp-dick it until he got either hard again, or finished her off somehow with his halfy. Finally they finish and he looks down and – of course – the condom is gone. So he has to ask her if it came off inside her. There they still were 10 minutes later, both fiddling around in her snatch trying to find it and starting to panic, when her Dad screams “what the fuck?” from the living room. The family dog – this pampered little shit of a chihuahua or something – had somehow gotten in, found the rubber, and then dropped it at her dad’s feet like some prized fucking possession.

BANJO STRING STING

I snapped my frenulum, filled my GF with blood and then sprayed blood all over the bed while screaming in pain. Three hours later I’m still in the ER with what felt like dozens of doctors and nurses asking for a peek at my junk because it was an injury they’d never seen before.

SANI-POONTANGI

Last year during lockdown my wife became OBSESSED with hand sanitiser. She’s an essential worker, so her boss put the fear of God into her about picking up Covid germs from surfaces. There would be little bottles of the stuff all over the house, and she’d sanitise her hands and all the door knobs, remotes, cell phones and light switches constantly. I said it was getting to be a bit of a problem. She didn’t believe me until realising (too late) that she’d mistaken one of her little bottles of hand-sani for lube one night. I’ve never heard the woman swear so much in all of our 15+ years of marriage.

REVENGE

My ex hated it when I came in her mouth, so usually I’d tell her when I was getting close and shoot it on her tits or whatever. One night I thought it would be funny to prank her. After shooting my wad in her mouth she got up, gave me the filthiest look I’ve ever seen, went to the bathroom to spit and rinse and then stormed out to the lounge and put the TV on. She wouldn’t talk to me for a good 20 minutes, and by that point I was starting to feel pretty guilty. I said (AGAIN) that I was sorry and leaned over to give her an apology kiss. THIS BISH THEN SPITS MY CUM IN MY MOUTH. She’d faked spitting when she’d gone to the bathroom and had been holding it in there just waiting for her moment. Gotta hand it to her – it was pretty genius.

NOT SO SECRET

“I was in my teens and with my first real girlfriend. We were alone in her house and we started fooling around I stopped and went down on her mid dance. When she came she squirted all over the place! Me being a young guy had already seen it in porn plenty of times so I didn’t think anything of it except pride. She on the on the other hand freaked out and pushed me out of the room, slammed the door and locked it. I’m standing there outside her bedroom, butt ass naked and her parents walk in the door! The front door is about 2 feet from the hall her room was down so they both got an eye full. They knew we were having sex, but had the “out of sight, out of mind” mindset.. Well I was no longer out of sight any more...” - Manaaki V., Taihape

MOUNT WITH CARE

“My partner was trying to mount me while in a sling and she fell on top of me. The sling broke and we landed on a concrete floor and I cracked my scapula. It required surgery – I told the hospital staff the truth.” - Steven Mont, Wanaka

DOG WATCH

“Dog walked in, stood, stared, threw up on the floor and promptly left.. ” - Jim Douglas, Gore

BLIND SHAME

“I once fell off a three-foot-high platform bed with a my one night stand on top of me, landed on the concrete floor, and got knocked out cold. I woke up not being able to see and was temporarily blind for a few hours from the impact. Aside from how terrified I was, I was humiliated that I had to be loaded onto a stretcher in a neck brace by the EMT crew in a state of half dress, all of whom knew full-well what I was doing before my fall from grace. ” - Mason Alexander, Mangawhai

JELLY TIME

“I once walked in on my totally shit faced friend having sex with a jar of jelly in the bathroom. Next morning, he asked me what happened, and I decided to say nothing.” - Logan Jackson, Blenheim

CHEERIO BRO

“When I was still in the defence force I got very drunk one night and took a really cute girl back to the barracks. Turns out she was taking me to the female barracks which are (get this) layed out opposite of the males. So after a some pretty hot sex, I get up and go to the bathroom, which turns out to be situated in the hallway. while I’m taking a leak I hear the door lock behind me.. The chick I was with is already in the shower and can’t hear me knocking. I had to walk back to my room naked past a platoon or so of female medics. They laughed, they cheered. I never ever lived that shit down” - Eli Van Der hout, Russell

WRONG NUMBER

“When I made my girlfriend at the time squirt while not recognizing that her phone was on the bed and she had accidentally dialed her aunt with her ass so her aunt just got a very graphic message on her answering machine.” - John Caddington, Temuka

JACK POT

“I was having sex with my girlfriend, doggy-style, and pulled out. There was a plastic ring around my cock. She said it was her birth control thingy. I felt like I had won a carnival game.” - Jedd Leroy, Tokoroa

STICKY STUFF

“I’d just started dating a girl. I’d been drinking and smoking, and I’d popped in a piece of gum so my breath wouldn’t stink when we made out. After some smooching, feeling up, and whatnot, I went down on her. Then we had sex. The next morning, when I was taking a shower, I noticed some white, sticky stuff on my cock. Not cum. It was thicker and tackier. I thought maybe it was some weird discharge from her. I cleaned it off, and then business as usual. After a few months of dating, she confessed to me that the day after our first encounter, she’d found the same thing in her pubic region. It was my gum. Apparently, when I was eating her out, the gum in my mouth got stuck in her pubes.” - Vaugh McDonaldson, Twizel

BOTTOMS UP

“This probably isn’t the most embarrassing, but I know I will never forget the time I swallowed and there was so much semen that it came out of my nose. Ugh that was such a weird feeling. At least he didn’t notice.” - Emma Cole, Blenheim

TEAM PLAYER

“I was once hanging out with a girl and we ordered a pizza, paid over the phone with a credit card, and then started watching a movie in the living room. The way the living room is situated, you can see most of it from the front door windows. We started hooking up; it was one of those situations where there was a lot of sexual tension for a long time and we just unleashed it all on each other. By the time we were done, we were like, ‘How is the pizza still not here?’ I went into the kitchen to get a drink and saw the box sitting on the floor next to the door. He must’ve come and we didn’t hear his car pull up. He saw what was going on and was a real bro and just left it there so as not to interrupt anything. Best pizza delivery guy (or girl) ever.”- Matt Doyle, Wanaka

STANDING OVATION

“I broke up with my girlfriend in a restaurant. She was so upset that she started crying. Everyone thought I was proposing and started clapping. It was pretty akward.” - Keagan Merrit, Taupo