Ask Amber

Curious about a topic you’d never yarn about with your mates? New Zealand's most notorious call girl answers the all questions you're too afraid to ask.

ARE YOU FINISHED YET?

Alright, I know it’s a first world problem but it’s starting to ruin my sex life. I’m lasting too long. I know, right, so terrible! But jokes aside I’ve heard of edging to help with premature, but what can I do for post mature? And I don’t just mean 30-60 mins, I’m talking 2-3 hours. Tried spicing it up and that didn’t help. Hearing her say “have you finished yet?” really isn’t as good as you might think. Thoughts? Matt, Location Withheld

While I’m sure a lot of guys might jokingly say they envy your ‘problem’, but I totally get how this could be a bummer! Basically, if you’re not having any issues getting and keeping it up, but it’s taking longer than 30 minutes (of penetrative sex) to climax, you might be dealing with what doctors would consider ‘delayed ejaculation’. Yip, actually a thing – and it affects most men at some stage in their lives. Are you experiencing delays when you play solo, or is it just when you’re having sex with a partner? Are you feel stressed or distracted? If you’re already worried about how long it can take to come, you might be putting even more pressure on yourself to perform. Perhaps take some ‘you’ time and see what happens. If you’re continually finding it difficult to reach orgasm it’s important to have a yarn with your GP about it. It may be a side- effect of a medication you’re taking, or there could be other psychological or physical factors in play. Side note – alcohol and the use of certain recreational drugs can have an impact, so keep that in mind if this could be having an impact on your happy ending.

DO YOU ACTUALLY "JUST KNOW"?

I’ve been with the Mrs for 3 months, and she’s just dropped the ‘I love you’ bomb. I just kissed her but didn’t say it back... How do you know if you’re in love or not? Jack, Christchurch

This is a tough one – the majority of people do just know! Some blokes just realise they do love their partner and that’s that, whereas others have a light bulb moment where it hits them at a specific point – like when they’ll happily sit through an ep of the Bachelor purely because they know she loves it, or when they’ve had a rough week and she’s the only person they want to hang out with. If you haven’t had that moment of realisation or knowing just yet, don’t panic, everyone is different. Some realise after a month and others a year! I’d say the average is around the 4–7-month mark. If you’re having fun, keep at it and see what happens.

LOVE LANGUAGES - FACT OR FICTION?

My partner keeps harping on about love languages and how important it is. What’s the go? Is it legit or a bit of bullocks? Adam, Wanaka

Hate to break it to you, but there is a method to the madness! To sum it up quickly, there are five love languages: Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Receiving Gifts. The way that everyone gives and likes to receive love can usually be broken down into the five different love languages – the breakdown can vary, but there will generally be one or two standouts. If you’ve done a bunch of chores and then found your partner keen on a little nookie, then theirs is likely Acts of Service. If they are often in the mood after dinner out together then they might prefer quality time. Figuring out how your partner likes to receive love can help you get some actual loving in the bedroom. Just whilst we’re on the topic – a quick sec to debunk the Receiving Gifts love language! If that’s your partner’s love language, it doesn’t make them spoilt – it’s not all about expensive gifts! It could be as simple as bringing home their favourite chocolate, or picking some flowers you know they like – it’s more a case of knowing you’ve thought of them and something they’d like when you’re out without them.

PORNO PROBLEMO?

Me and the misses haven’t been having sex lately. Maybe once a month. So I’ve been watching a bit of porn. When she finally wants to get it on I can’t get hard. The only way I can get hard is watching porn. How do I change this? – Ethan [location withheld]

Hey Ethan, thanks for your question! This is something that’s being increasingly searched online, so you’re definitely not alone. There are two schools of thought around porn and its impact with regards to erectile issues. Some studies suggest watching a lot of porn can essentially ‘desensitise’ guys to erotic imagery and situations, meaning they need increasingly hardcore stimulation to become aroused. Other research states that this line of thinking is a crock of shit, and that watching porn has little to NO effect on a man’s ability to achieve or maintain an erection. Based on your question, I think the main thing to ask is – how are things in your relationship? You suggest you and your wife haven’t been having as much sex as you’d like (but remember, the amount of sex you have is relative and everyone’s different!), so does that mean there’s been a recent drop-off in your intimacy? Are there other stresses in your lives coming into play? If you’re not connecting on an emotional level, that can definitely affect your ability to connect on a physical one. My recommendation is to try being intimate in a non-sexual way first, and seeing how you both feel from there. Go on a date. Give your partner a massage. All the foreplay! Put her pleasure first, and see if that gets your engine revving. If you try this and still find you’re having trouble getting your soldier to stand at attention, talk to your GP about your concerns and ask if an erection support supplement or medication could be right for you.

THE 27 YEAR OLD VIRGIN

I’m 27 and still a virgin. The older I get, the more of a big deal it seems. I’m contemplating hiring a prostitute just to tick it off and get it done. Thoughts? – Paddy, New Plymouth

Don’t be misled – it’s totally not a big deal! When you meet the right person it really won’t matter… and chances are they’d love to be the one to pop your cherry. That being said, if you’re keen to hire a sex worker make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Do it because you want to experience sex, not because you feel pressured to tick it off your to-do list. I’d recommend hiring a professional who offers ‘de-flowering’ in their repertoire, or head to a trusted brothel. Don’t forget, taking care of yourself and using protection is key!

THE TOWN BIKE IS NOT A THING

My mate’s just started dating this girl who has been around town, so to speak. He’s just cracking double digits and feels super insecure about the difference. What’s the go? How can I convince him it’s not a big deal? – Blake, Hastings

Blake, you’re right. It’s NOT a big deal. Without being too ruthless, it sounds like your mate needs grow up. There is ZERO difference between a woman in a relationship sleeping with one partner every day and a woman who goes out and gets intimate with a different person every week. So long as she’s been using protection and getting regular STI checks then there’s nothing to worry about. If it’s acceptable for a bloke to do it, it’s acceptable for a woman! Tell your mate to pull his head in and not let a good thing go.

LONG DISTANCE LOVE

The Mrs recently got her dream job in another city. I love my job and don’t really want to move. It’s just a year contract so isn’t for forever. Any tips for making long distance work? – B. Knight, Auckland

It’s 2021 and there’s never been a better time for doing long distance! Spice up your phone calls and get on zoom for a bit of fun with your Mrs. Our friends at Sinful also have a few toys that are perfect for long distance! They can be controlled with an app, meaning you can still please her from afar. Failing that, she’d be no more than a quick flight away which is totally doable for the weekend! You got this!

A WORRIED WANKER

I’ve been single for a year or so now and in the past few months I’ve been wanking a few times a day. Is it all good to wank multiple times a day? How much is too much? – James, Kerikeri

Love to beat the meat, huh? The frequency of how much people get off ranges between daily, weekly, monthly or hardly ever! Each of these are perfectly normal. You can feed the chickens as much as you want – providing it doesn’t interfere with everyday life. If, however, you’re finding yourself skipping daily tasks, missing work, or cancelling plans with family and friends to stay home and masturbate then you miiiiight have a problem. If that sounds like you, consider setting yourself a goal of once per day. If you just can’t cut back and think it’s becoming an issue, chat to your doctor or see a sex therapist.

WHIFFY QUIM

After months of chasing her, I finally got out of the friend zone with this girl I’m reeeeally into. She’s gorgeous and funny and smart. But her minge stinks. I thought it might have been a one-off, but we’ve hooked up a few nights and it’s the same every time. WTF do I do? I really like her, but I can’t ignore it forever. The last time she asked me to go down on her and I didn’t and it just made me look like a jerk. – Sam, Tauranga

Yikes, this is not an easy one! Everyone’s genitals are different, and certain activity, foods and even hormonal changes can affect the way a person smells. You could try having a sexy shower together. If the smell persists, she may have bacterial vaginosis or an STI, and she should tested by her doctor. The word ‘smell’ can be quite triggering, so you could say you’ve noticed she has ‘tasted’ a little different recently and you’re worried that there’s a health issue that she should get checked out. If you really can’t bring yourself to raise the issue, get yourself a second SIM card and send her an anonymous text saying she should get tested for STIs. It’s the coward’s way out, but at least she’ll get the help she needs and you won’t have to risk it ruining your new relationship.

BUNNY BOILER?

I started hooking up with the girl on Tinder, and now she keeps just turning up at my flat. I’ve tried ghosting her, but when she turns up we usually end up fucking. How do I let her know she needs to cool it? – Simon, Wellington

Douchey move, Simon. Sounds like you’re sending some pretty mixed messages. Yes, it’s a bit mental that she’s just turning up uninvited, but you’re the chump that rewards that behaviour by throwing her a bone. Tell her kindly, but firmly, that you’re not interested, and keep it in your pants. Is it really that difficult?Douchey move, Simon. Sounds like you’re sending some pretty mixed messages. Yes, it’s a bit mental that she’s just turning up uninvited, but you’re the chump that rewards that behaviour by throwing her a bone. Tell her kindly, but firmly, that you’re not interested, and keep it in your pants. Is it really that difficult?

BONER BOOHOO

I’ve been seeing the same girl for a few years and she’s great, but over the past couple of months I’ve been finding it hard to… get hard. She says it’s not a big deal and I’ve been putting it down to being really tired from work, but it’s definitely becoming a problem. What’s (not) up with that? Is it her? Is it me? – Pete, Napier

Hey Pete, you’re not alone! Google says around 50% of guys have some trouble getting it up at one point or another, and there are a lot of things can impact your ability to get a stiffy. It literally COULD be that you’ve been worn out at work, but if it’s an ongoing issue there might be something else going on. Diet, smoking, drinking, recreational drugs and general poor health can make it more difficult to maintain a woody. Depression, anxiety and stress can also pump the brakes on your bone. There are some great natural supplements that can help, but it’s probably best to go and have a chat with your GP and get checked out. There’s seriously nothing to be embarrassed about.

NOPE TO THE NEG

Does ‘negging’ really work? – Calvin, Canterbury

Yuck. For those not in the know, negging is pickup ‘tactic’ where a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment to another person to undermine their confidence and, supposedly, increase their need of the manipulator's approval. Some dickheads swear by it. Calvin, you’re better than this.

MAGIC MARK

My wife has requested a striptease show for our anniversary. Got any tips? – Mark L, Nelson

Marky Mark! I’ve had a few gentlemen friends strip for me via two-way cam chat, and I can safely say your wife is in for a treat. You can go two ways when it comes to male stripping – seriously sexy, or fun and silly. If you’re looking to put on a show that would make a Chippendale proud, watch Magic Mike and check out male erotic dance routines on YouTube for inspiration. Confidence is key, but my top tips are: choose music that makes you feel sexy, slow things down for the ultimate strip-TEASE, low lighting = mood lighting, and take care when kicking off your pants. The last thing you want is to trip over half naked and get candle wax all over the place.

BITTER BABY GRAVY

My girlfriend made a joke about the taste of my spunk a while ago and said I should start eating pineapple. Would that really help improve the flavour? – Bucky L, Auckland

Ehh, science seems to be on the fence about this… but I would say, based on personal experience, that you’d probably need to eat a SHIT TON of pineapple to result in a noticeable difference to the taste of your nutmustard. I once dated a guy with particularly funky spunk, so I’ve done my fair share of research on this. Some scientists suggest eating naturally sugary fruits like kiwi, blueberries, plums, peaches, and nectarines, and others say staying well-hydrated and eating celery is the key to flushing out the salty flavour. Others say it’s more important to avoid things that will make semen more bitter, like tobacco, caffeine red meat and alcohol. Snaps to you for wanting to make the experience more pleasant for your GF!

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST

Amber, do nice guys really finish last? – G. Henere, Taupo

G, it totally depends on how you look at it. If you mean, nice guys don’t ‘get the girl’, then definitely not! I know there’s a stereotype of women gravitating towards the bad boy, but these flings rarely last long. In fact, out of all of my male friends, the guy who gets the most tail is probably one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. On the flipside, if you’re referring to which partner ‘finishes’ last during an intimate encounter, then YES. Lads who follow the ‘ladies first’ motto are nice guys in the best possible way.

B-BLOW JOBS

My girlfriend’s great in bed, but not so good at giving head. How do I help her improve her blowjob game without offending her? - J. Van der Hout, Christchurch

Some girls LOOOOVE sucking on a meat sword, and others can’t think of anything worse. If your girlfriend’s doing her best that’s a great place to start – and helping her give better gobbies is simple. Think positive reinforcement. Talking dirty while she blows you is a great way to let her know when she’s nailing it, while keeping it sexy. If she does something you’re not keen on, be honest, but be kind. Talk to her about it later when you’re chilling on the couch, rather than while she has a mouthful.

PANTY RAIDER

I have an underwear fetish, but I’m scared to tell my new girlfriend. We’ve been together for about 8 months. I’m worried if I don’t tell her now it will seem like I’ve been hiding it! - J. Samson, Wellington

You dirty little panty raider! Personally, I love seeing a bloke squeezed into a pair of lacy lady’s knickers, so maybe I have a bit of a fetish too! Assuming you’re into sniffing women’s undies, or wearing them or both, I feel like – as far as fetishes can go – this is pretty tame and your girlfriend probably won’t have an issue with it. Be brave! Maybe the next time the two of you are getting frisky you could peel her panties off her and ask if you can take a whiff? Or you could surprise her by popping a pair of her knickers on to get a feel for her reaction. She’ll probably laugh – but it could be a great way to break the ice! Brace yourself for lots of questions because she’ll have a heap.

Be as honest as you’re comfortable with and let the chips fall where they may. If she’s clever, she’ll know your inclination could lead to lots of trips to the lingerie store! If it’s not her thing, each to their own – and it’s up to you to decide whether your relationship with her is important enough to enjoy underwear solo. If she’s not accepting of your fetish, or is she tries to shame you for what you like, she’s simply not the underwear model you’re meant to spend your life with.

SHRINKY DINKY

I haven’t been laid in a few years and I reckon my dick is shrinking. Can that happen? - Amariki C., Whangarei

Yip, dicks can shrink. It’s a thing. Usually shrinkage is due to age, weight gain or medications, but science has shown that – if you’re not using your dick as often as you used to – a lack of regular erections can lead to a little shrinking over time. More importantly, not getting a stiffy as often can make it HARDER (pun intended) to get it up when you want/ need to. There’s good news though! A wank now and then will do the trick to keep things working as normal and help prevent shrinkage. Whether it’s your hand, a fleshlight or a real live lady, your cock doesn’t know the difference.

SISTER ACT

Hey Amber, I’ve been married for ages and The Mrs and I still have a shag a couple of times a week, but we’re looking for something to spice things up. My wife wants to introduce her sister, but I’m not sure. What do you reckon? - Matt Donaldson, Oamaru

Honey, abort mission! I’m 99% sure your wife is testing you on this one. Maybe she thinks you and her sister are a bit too chummy, or she’s caught you checking out her arse. If you think this could be the case, don’t fall into the trap! Tell your wife you think her sister is lovely (easy does it!) but you have ZERO interest in bedding her. There are plenty of other things you can do to spice things up, like role play and toys or a little light spanking. If she’s dead keen on a threesome, try Tinder. Incest is not cute. It’s also illegal.

BUILD ME UP BUTT-ERCUP

The Mrs and I have been entertaining the idea of trying out the back door. Any tipsbefore we dive in? – Rob, Napier

Ooof for a start, let’s not dive in! Sounds like you’ve already had some conversations around this which is great, establishing boundaries and a safe word is a great option if it all gets too much too soon. You’ll want to set the mood and indulge in a lot of foreplay – often the emotional barrier is bigger than the physical one, so being relaxed and horny AF is key here. Our next biggest tip is lube, lube and more lube. Start off with your finger – lube up and run your finger around the opening, if you’re both still comfortable after a few minutes, slip a digit in – slowly does it! Keep that communication going and if its feeling good, work up to bigger and better things. We recommend, starting with just the tip and let yourselves relax into it before going any deeper. Enjoy! Just whilst we’ve got you here – if you’re doing it to her, consider letting her do it to you – pegging is ramping up in popularity and, whilst most guys are sceptical, the majority LOVE it after they try it.

WRAP IT UP

Having separated from my long-term girlfriend at the start of the year, I’ve started getting back out there. I’ve been seeing the same girl for about a month now, but she insists we always wear condoms. After a long-term relationship, I’m not used to condoms! They’re such a mood killer! Why wouldn’t she just go on the pill? – Patrick, Christchurch

Um, okay pal. I hate to break it to you, but it’s not ALL about you! I’m gonna go ahead and assume you don’t want to start a family with this gal after one month of dating. In which case you need to have some form of contraception! A lot of women don’t like the hormones involved with taking The Pill and the same goes for other forms of hormonal contraception. Condoms are also the only prevention against STD’s so there is that too. And really, mate, it takes two to tango, so the responsibility should be shared, not just lumped on her. If you’re still on the fence, what would you rather, sex with a condom, or no sex at all? Yeah, we’d pick sex any day, too.

AVERAGE OR ABOVE?

I’ve recently joined a gym and it seems all the lads at my gym are more than happy to let it all hang out whilst getting changed. Obviously I don’t look on purpose, but sometimes you can’t help but notice their members. It’s making me a little self-conscious, does length really matter and what is average size? – Jase, Nelson

Ah the age old question about length! A recent study found that Kiwi men were found to have an average erect penis length of 13.99cm – think of that as just under a subway 6” sandwich. If you are feeling self-conscious, maybe don’t go to the gym in Ecuador any time soon… those lads took out the top spot with an average erect length of 17.61cm. To answer your other question though, if you know how to use it, then no, length doesn’t really matter. Work with what you’ve got and choose positions to maximise how deep you can get – doggie style, cowgirl, and reverse cowgirl will all work wonders for you.

TO TEST OR NOT TO TEST

I’ve met this new girl and am keen to step things up a notch, but 42 before we do, I’d like for her to be tested for STD’s – I’m paranoid about that! What’s the best way to go about asking without causing offence? – Connor, Wellington

Good on you for practicing safe sex! To be perfectly honest, everyone ought to be getting regular checks, and it’s great peace of mind before jumping into bed with a new sexual partner. Best to mention your take on this before you’re too hot and heavy, because it likely will take the mood down a bit. Just be honest and say you had it drummed into you from a young age and want to take it seriously and avoid and STD’s. She should be cool with it because it’s in her best interests, too – and hey, if she does take offence to this, then with all due respect, screw her. And by that, of course, we mean don’t screw her!

SPARK OR NO SPARK

After a few months of dating this woman, I’m not so sure there is a spark. I don’t want to be a dick about it, because she’s lovely, but just not quite the girl for me. How can I break it to her gently? – Dan, Masterton

First off, a round of applause for you for not just ghosting her like the poor bloke earlier had to deal with. For a start, meet with her in person, she deserves that much at least. Maybe don’t go somewhere super public like a café, instead opt for takeaway drinks and go for a walk or simply head round to her place. Next up, just be honest, but gentle. Avoid those cliché statements like “it’s not you, it’s me”, stick to the facts, like “the way we feel about each other doesn’t match up at the moment”. It may seem harsh but the truth will always be easier down the track.

BOO

I was seeing someone for about 6 weeks and now I’ve had nothing but radio silence. Pretty sure I’ve been ghosted and it’s a bit shit. Any tips? – Cohen, Hamilton

Oh yikes are people still doing this? Ghosting someone is such a dick move! If it helps at all, the person who has done the ghosting will likely have some guilt or shame around what they’ve done. And really, you are SO much better off without this person. Keep your chin up, head out with your mates, start a new hobby, just distract yourself and keep yourself busy. Fake it till you make it baby.

SHY ON TOP

My gal is great at everything in the bedroom – except cowgirl. It’s like she gets on top and forgets how to move. What can I do? Ron, Masterton

Don’t worry! We’ve got you! But before we fill you in on a gal’s best kept rodeo secret – take a second and think – could there be something else going on? No, we’re not suggesting she’s galivanting around elsewhere, but being on top does leave some ladies feeling rather exposed. For a start, make sure you’re complimentary as she’s getting undressed – don’t be seedy, just make it genuine! Consider flicking the light off, or light a candle in the corner of the room. If this doesn’t work, do all of the above, then tell her you’d like to try something, have her jump on top, then place your hands on her hips and move her hips in a way that spells out ‘coconut’. If you’re up for a laugh, see if she’s keen to play a game – get her to move her hips to spell out different words for you to guess what she’s spelling. Chances are you won’t be able to guess it because you’ll be too busy enjoying what’s happening – let her know how good it feels and this should give her one hell of a confidence boost and hopefully help you night after night.

POST PREGNANCY ACTION

My wife and I had a baby 8 weeks ago – I’m keen to get back into some romance but don’t want to pressure her. Any ideas on how to get things started again? Jamie, Whangarei

For a start, congrats on the babe! You’re damn right, you don’t want to pressure her – that’ll only push her away. Your wife’s body has been through the wringer and even if she has physically recovered down there, there’s a lot of mental and emotional ground to cover too. Start off by getting her relationship with herself back on track. Our friends at Sinful have some great clitoral stimulators – this is great if she’s keen to start things up again but isn’t quite ready for penetration – so get her a Satisfyer Pro as a surprise gift and try a little mutual masturbation. Of course, don’t just dive right in, lay some ground work! Cook dinner, draw her a bath, and get the baby down for the night. Light her favourite candle and see what happens. Once you’ve mastered this, GRADUALLY work your way up until she’s ready for the whole 9 yards.

FUN FOR ONE

Living in Auckland as single bloke over the latest lockdown has been long and a little lonely! I’ve masturbated a lot – what else is there to do?! But now I’m worried I’ll cum to quick when I get back to the real deal. What can I do? Shane, Auckland

Nothing like a healthy dose of feeding the chickens to kill a bit of spare time, huh. If you’ve never had any trouble in the past, chances are you’ll be sweet once you get back to the real deal – however, if you’re worried try a trainer! Also known as fleshlights, strokers, and personal trainers – these beauties are great for building up sexual endurance, meaning you can last longer during sex. The idea is that you build up your endurance, little by little, to get near the edge and stay there for longer. The goal is to last longer and longer during training so that when you’re with the real deal, you can hold off blowing your load until she’s ready to cum with you. Still not sure where to start? Our mates at Sinful have everything you need – whether you’re after something anatomical or prefer the sleek and discreet look – you’ll be ready to go in no time.

UNDIES OR COMMANDO

Give us the facts – sleeping nude, yay or nay? My partner is all for it, but I’m not convinced. Vaughan, Palmerston North

Seriously, I feel like this debate is brought up on every radio show in the country every few weeks. It seems everyone (professionals included) has a different opinion on this, so, quite honestly, I’d say it comes down to personal preference! Without meaning to get too detailed, if you can’t always trust a fart, then maybe keep them on. If you can though, whip them off baby! I’m a lover of stripping down at night – a snuggle with your partner is always better in the nude and having no layers in between you, it’s more likely to lead to sex of some kind. As an added bonus, your body can regulate your temperature better – often resulting in a better night’s sleep. Plus, you’ll get a bit of air flow and no PJ’s bunching up when you move – hallelujah!

LOW LIBIDOS

My partner and I have very different libidos, any tips on making this work? Phil, Greymouth

You haven’t mentioned whose libido is higher, but either way, this can absolutely work! Chatting honestly about how you’re feeling is a great place to start. You want to look for ways that you can meet them halfway – you both need to be putting in the effort to show you care. Consider when you both have the most energy, remove any distractions and set the mood. Aligning libidos can take time, so in the meantime, keep in mind that intimacy is more than just penetrative sex. We’re talking showers together, watching a romantic movie, dinner dates, holding hands, spooning in bed, mutual masturbation – the options are endless. You got this!

WWJD?

I grew up in a very religious family and didn’t have sex before marriage. Obviously not living that lifestyle anymore hence reading this mag! Anyway, I just found out my wife had sex with someone else before we got married, even though she grew up with the same values. I know it was before me, and I shouldn’t care, but I hate not being her only one. How should I handle this? – Don, Picton

Hi Don! We’re glad to have you with us! Just to clarify, would you think it was a big deal if it was the other way around? I’m guessing probably not. You’ve got two options here: accept it and move on, or dwell on it and potentially damage your marriage. Keep in mind, the past is the past and she’s chosen to marry you. Read that again. SHE CHOSE YOU. If you’re still struggling, ask yourself, “will this really matter in 5 years?” Probably not. Just let it go.

THE PICKUP ARTIST

Tinder doesn’t really get me very far, so any tips on meeting and chatting to women in person without coming across like a creep? The general chat is fine, it’s taking it to the next level that I struggle with. Help! – G. Watston, Porirua

I think the key here is to make sure you’re chatting to the right women. When you’re chatting with a lady, take note of her body language as this could be where you’re going wrong. If she’s avoiding eye contact or has her arms crossed, chances are she’s not into you. When you’re chatting to a woman who is interested, she’ll be facing you, maintaining eye contact and may even touch your arm here and there. If she’s keen, you’re already on the right track. Consider chatting about something that’s going on in your city perhaps an event, new restaurant or activity. You want some common ground then casually mention that you could go together. If she’s interested, grab her number – but for the love of God, don’t ask for her snapchat details (you’re not 16). If she gives you her digits, nice work! Keep chatting if it feels right, then flick her a message the next day and tell her it was nice to meet her and go from there. If she isn’t keen then stay cool: she has every right to say no… and that doesn’t make her a bitch or a bad person. Graciously bow out and know that your time will come!

SISTER MISTER

Had a bit of a rager for a mate's 21st and ended up sleeping with his sister. I’d be keen to take it further, but how do I broach the subject with my mate? Or should I just steer clear? – Callum, Masterton

Oooh, this is a tough one! If you’re just keen for a bit of fun, maybe steer clear and find someone else. However, if you’re after a relationship and think things could work long term, then you’ll want to consider what happens from every angle. Will your mate still want to be your mate if shit hits the fan? And are you willing to risk losing your mate if it does? If you’re keen to proceed, chat with his sister and get her take on it first (because she obviously has more say in this situation than your mate), if she’s not keen then all good and no harm done. If she IS keen then you’ve gotta chat with your mate before you do anything. Just be honest with him and see what happens. Good luck!

GRABBY BASTARD

One of the lads in our extended friend group can be a bit of a creep. He makes a habit of grabbing women’s arses on the dance floor then flat out denies it if they hit him up. We’ve told him before that he ought to lay off, but he thinks it’s no drama and totally acceptable. Any tips on telling him to pull his head in? – Will, Upper Hutt

Yikes. With all due respect, your mate sounds like a dick. Good on you for standing up to him – keep at it! Any unwanted physical touches are grounds for sexual assault and your mate needs to cut it out, like yesterday! Get a few of you together and sit him down for a yarn (when you’re all sober) and tell him what’s what. He sounds like he could get defensive, so you’ll want to choose your words carefully but stick to your guns and persevere. One day he’ll likely thank you for it!

BI-CURIOUS GEORGE

Looking for some advice. I’m your typical farm bloke and a few years back ended a long-term relationship with the Mrs. Since then, I’ve come to the realisation that I’m bi, but I’m not really sure how to handle it. My small country community doesn’t exactly have a lot of options and I don’t know how the lads would take it if I came out. I’m keen to get it off my chest and start experimenting but not really sure how to go about it. – [name withheld], Southland

Mate, good on you for opening up. Start by telling some trusted friends/family. Getting it off your chest will be liberating, and these people can act as your support group going forward. People who aren’t on board or supportive, don’t deserve to be in your life. As for getting out there, you could always try Tinder or Grindr – you may just need to upgrade to the paid version so you can expand your radius from your small town. If the apps aren’t your thing, can you travel to a bigger city and head to a queer bar? Trust me, they are a damn good time!

DIY? DON’T

I’m a pretty hairy guy, and as such, I have a substantial bush. I’ve just started dating again after a 7-year relationship, and it sounds like expectations have changed in terms of ‘manscaping’. I’m way too embarrassed to go get a wax – is that something I can DIY with the stuff I’ve seen at the supermarket? Have you got any tips? – Ken, Invercargill

Ken, when it comes to a back, sack and crack DEFINITELY leave it to the professionals! The key to a good, painless wax is being able to pull the skin nice and taught, and it can be super tricky to do that to a scrotum while also spreading on and pulling off hot wax. If you’re dead set on a super-smooth finish, get your ass (haha) to your local waxing clinic. Keep in mind, if you’re hairy all over, a bald patch in your pants might look a bit odd – so your waxing technician may advise a more thorough approach, including your chest, torso and back. If that all sounds a bit much, a tidy up with an electric trimmer is enough to keep most women happy! If you’ve taken the time to whack back the weeds and save us from some of the strays it shows you’ve made the effort. If you’re buying an electric razor for this specific purpose (recommended) get a rechargeable cordless model. The last thing you want is to trip yourself on a cord and nick your knob.

GOING THE DISTANCE

How can I last longer in the sack? Asking for a mate… – G. Addams, New Plymouth

Haha, the old ‘asking for a friend’ question! Well, G, tell your mate to consider investing in some desensitising lube and a personal trainer… and not the kind you’d find at the gym! A few guys I know use stamina trainers (ie, fleshlights, eggs, sleeves, strokers) to build up their endurance. The longer they can last with a pocket pussy, the longer they can hold off blowing their load with the real deal. Have fun!

RIMMER, RIMMER

How do I ask for a rim job? My ex would head further south all the time, but (no matter how much I lift my arse when she’s sucking my nuts) my new girlfriend just isn’t getting the hint. – Josh, Auckland

How do you ask for a rim job? Nicely! I know it can be a bit awkward asking a new partner for anything specific, but if you don’t ask you don’t get. Try asking her if there’s anything SHE’D like you to do the next time things are getting steamy. If she reciprocates, that’s your moment. Talking dirty is hot, and it’s also the perfect way to keep those lines of sexual communication wiiiiide open. Top tip: make sure you’re always super clean down there before things start to get frisky. If there’s a chance this is her first rimming experience, any arsey whiff will put her right off.

SHE’S NOT AQUAJOGGING

I went to the doctor last week because it hurt to take a leak and found out I had chlamydia. I’m married, and I haven’t cheated. When I confronted my wife she got really upset that I could even think she’d been unfaithful. She said I must have cheated. Then after a lot of crying and yelling she said maybe she’d picked it up at the local pool. Can you get chlamydia from aqua-jogging? She goes at least two nights a week, and I don’t want her to stop going because she’s always in a much better mood when she gets home. – T. Glasser, Ashburton

Mr Glasser, you poor sweet man. First things first: stop sleeping with your wife – at least until you have BOTH been treated for the infection and then tested negative. If you’re treated at different times and continue to have sex you can reinfect each other. And if there’s a third person thrown into the mix, they’ll need to seek treatment, too. Which brings me to my second point… no – it is definitely NOT possible to catch chlamydia from a swimming pool. The only possible way to catch chlamydia is through sexual contact. Perhaps those aqua jogging sessions are not all that they seem.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION

I want to make a sex tape. How do I convince the Mrs to get on board? – Blake P, Wellington

I’ve made an X-rated tape or two in my time, but I can understand your partner’s trepidation! In the age of the cloud and sites dedicated to revenge porn there’s a lot that can go wrong. If you’re dead-set on the idea, maybe start by asking her about her fantasies and seeing what you can do to play them out in the bedroom. That could open up a conversation about filming the two of you together. If she’s nervous about being caught on camera, you could suggest recording the deed on a device that isn’t connected to WIFI or a cloud account (so there’s no risk of accidental sharing), and agree to watch it once – together – and then permanently delete the footage. Or you could suggest recording the audio only to help her dip her toe in the water. If she’s still not keen, it’s important to respect her boundaries. I know a guy who was convinced his girlfriend didn’t want to be filmed because she was worried she’d look fat. He set up his phone in secret and showed her the footage a few days later. HUGE mistake. Not only did he have to go out and buy a new phone (because she destroyed the one he’d used), he had to find a new place to live, too.

BITTY BALLS

I’m worried my balls are too small. What’s average/ normal? And do ladies care about testicle size? – B. Smyth, Ashburton

Lots of guys wonder if their nuts are normal, and the answer is almost always YES! Like their one-eyed neighbour, balls come in all different sizes – and one testicle is often slightly bigger than the other. On average, bollocks are around 4.5 – 5cm long, but whether your low hangers are massive or minuscule has no impact on your sexual prowess. The only thing you should concern yourself with when it comes to you cahonas is that they’re healthy. Check out page 40 of this issue for more info.

SHUT DOWN ON 69

I love 69ers, but none of the girls I’ve dated haven’t been into them. What’s the deal? – Ricky T, Northland

I’m sure there’s at least one dream girl out there who relishes a good old fashioned 69, but for most of us it just comes down to physics. If we’re up there it’s awkward and there are balance issues, and – in all honesty – we can’t fully enjoy what you’re laying down. Sorry to break it to you, but most of us would much rather lay back and enjoy it!

RELUCTANT COWGIRL

What’s the best way to get my girlfriend on top? It’s my favourite position, but she’s either too shy (or too lazy) to get on up there. – J. Wayne, Hamilton

Haha! Have you tried asking her to jump on top? If you have and she flatout refused, ask her why she’s not a fan of the cowgirl. If she’s shy, tell her how much it turns you on to watch her on top and all the things you love about her body. Or ask if she’d ride you if you were wearing a blindfold. That might help her feel less self-conscious… and those things can slip off pretty easily once things get humming! Yeehaw.

BEGGING FOR A PEGGING

I saw a porno a couple of weeks ago where a guy was getting pegged by a hot busty blonde, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’d like to give it a try, but I don’t know how to ask my wife. I’m a straight man who has been married for 20+ years. – D. Burnett, Lower Hutt

I’m a firm believer in letting your freak flag fly, baby! But I do get that asking to try something new can be awkward. If you and your wife are fairly open about sex, you could start by telling her exactly what you’ve written in. OR you could leave this page of the magazine open in a place she’ll find it. If that feels too direct, you could say some of the guys at work were talking about something called pegging, and ask if she’d heard of it. If she hasn’t, she’s bound to Google it! Getting the conversation started is probably going to be the trickiest part, but once it’s out there the two of you can have fun doing a little research – and shopping! – together. Read some articles about how to get started with pegging, and make sure you purchase a strap-on from a reputable retailer. This is definitely not the kind of situation where you want to attempt a DIY option! There are some great, and very discreet, online stores out there, so do a little browsing together and invest in some toys you’ll both enjoy. When it comes to your first pegging experience, remember lots of lube, and ease into things with some gentle anal play to help you relax. Have fun!

GOLDICOCKS

What’s more important… length or girth? – Paddy P, Rangiora

Paddy, stop obsessively measuring your dick, okay? When it comes to cock size, women are like Goldilocks. Some of us like a shorter, thicker choad, and others prefer a pork sword with a little more length. There’s a lady out there who’s gonna think your prick’s juuuust right.

HEY, SQUIRT

How do I make my girlfriend squirt? - Trent Jones, Tauranga

Ooooh, the so often sought, but rarely achieved, squirt! First things first, sport. Some girls can squirt almost every time, and some girls NEVER do – no matter what you try. I don’t want to stomp all over your hopes and dreams, but it’s important to have realistic expectations! If you want to give your girlfriend the best chance of squirting, use LOTS of lube (the wetter the better!), stimulate the G-spot, and be patient. You can stimulate the G-spot with your fingers, a G-spot vibrator or try cowgirl and doggy style during sex. Woof.

WANK WISE

Is it normal to wank at least twice a day? - Wayne King, Invercargill

Self-pleasure is completely normal, and as a Cam Girl – ie, someone for whom twice would be considered a quiet day! – I say do what makes you happy! Some people get themselves off daily, and others might indulge in a little rub-and-tug once in a blue moon. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, and your frequent wanks aren’t impacting your job, relationships, health or quality of life, go for gold. If YOU feel like twice each day is too much, or if you think you’re wanking compulsively rather than because it feels good, have a chat with your doctor. I know it might be a little embarrassing at first, but they’re definitely heard – and seen – much worse! Despite what you might have heard, choking the chicken too often is NOT going to give you hairy palms or make you go blind.

BUTT, PLEASE

I want to try butt stuff but my Mrs isn’t keen. Help. - Chad Morgan, Hastings

Regardless of whether you mean HER butt or YOUR butt, ‘butt stuff’ can be scary if you’ve never tried it before. Give your poor Mrs a break if she’s nervous about going to brown-town! Like everything, communication is key. Talk to her about what you’d like to try in a casual, no-pressure way while you’re not having sex. If she’s dead-set on skipping everything BUTT (see what I did there?) it’s important you respect her decision. Her body, her choice. You can always explore butt play more in your fantasy life, through porn, or with flesh-realistic toys. Have fun!

UBER ETIQUETTE

What’s the most inoffensive way to order an Uber after sex? How long do I have to wait before I flee? - John V., Auckland

Discretion is key, even if she’s super chill. Grab a glass of water & order out of the room. In terms of timing, it depends on the situation. If it’s a onetime hookup, you don’t have to hang about – and, honestly, she’d probably prefer you didn’t. A 5-minute cuddle is standard, but FFS, read the room. The old ‘early start in the morning’ line works a treat. You’ll both know it’s a lie, but it will cut the awkwardness. If you’re getting an Uber immediately after sex with a serious girlfriend, you need to get your life together.

TOO BIG

My dick is too big for condoms. They’re uncomfortable and basically cut off the circulation to my junk, but my girlfriend won’t have sex without them. Any ideas? - B. Takaniko, Te Anau

Dude. Have you seen those YouTube challenge videos where people put rubbers over their entire HEADS? Stop whinging, be grateful your girlfriend is throwing you a bone and wear the condom. Next.